The Question Of... You?



So... I've been on some straight self doubting shit the last few days... leaving me to ask the question- "Is this REALLY worth all this headache?"

I was talking to my cousin Safire yesterday... she had been reading my blog ... as soon as I answer the phone with my normal "What up Cuz?" she says to me "So you fuckin with Dick again, huh? Boy I tell you, you gone learn"...

During our conversation, she pointed out quite a few things to me... like he and I, almost 6 years since our first hello, have been through everything... everything freindships go through, everything relationships go through... and for him to come at me THIS TIME thinking I am going to just accept the same old bullshit is not only stupid, but selfish and arrogant. Like, I'm going to love him on the same terms from the last 5 years, HIS terms, when this should be a 50/50 type deal... her exact words were "That nicca shoulda showed up at your door on one knee with the biggest diamond he could afford because at this point, the only thing ya'll haven't been to each other is husband and wife"...

Which is funny, cause in May 2005, he and I bartended a mutual friend of ours wedding reception... we were so in sync with each other and knew and anticipated the other's every move, that we never bumped each other, we heard everything the other's customer's were ordering and if it was near us, we handed it off without question... I mean, we had that bar on lock.... the groom's aunt asked us, with the most serious face, "So, how long have you two been married?"... I was so stunned, but the answer that came out without a second thought was "4 years". She then said "You two are the most perfect couple I've seen in a long time. Keep up the good work." All he did was smile... and called me "Wifey" for the rest of the day.

The next day, we (he and I, his brother and his wife, the newlyweds, and another 3 couples) left to go on a "Lover's Retreat" in the Poconos. Even though he acted lightweight shitty on the trip, everybody kept asking "How long have you been married?". I finally got tired of the charade, and would tell people that we weren't... we would get the strangest looks... we even played this game at one of the events where it was like the Newlywed Game, where they asked questions while the other person was out of the room... and we got all the answers right... Like they asked me "Where was the strangest place you've ever had sex?" and I gave my answer... when they asked him what I had said, he says "In the basement bathroom at my brother's house during a party." Which was right. I mean, come ON, how many people remember shit like that? Especially if you CLAIM you don't really care about that person all like that... I'm just saying...

All of the things he and I have shared, the ups and downs, the arguments, the laughs... might explain why to this day I can't let go...

J