A Soundtrack To Heartache: The Tale of Dick And Jess... not Dick and Jane....

Aight... this is a LONG entry, so bear with me people…

As you might have noticed while reading my blog, music is a really big part of my existance. I associate everything that I do with music. The kind of mood I'm in determines what I'm listening to at that point in time... Happy, feel-good moods require feel good hip-hop-- Ludacris, Nelly (yeah, he's corny, but he's a happy corny), some Dip Set, maybe some Wu Tang Clan.... Mellow moods require some neo-soul like Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, Dwele.... Angry, bitter bitch moods call for some heavy hitting alternative and metal (yeah, I said metal) like Fiona Apple, P.O.D, Korn, Disturbed... and then there are those mushy lovey-dovey moods...

Okay, here's the skinny folks... beginning in 2002, February 22nd to be exact, I began a sort of ritual... seeing as though music is basically my life (how I'm not in the music business I have no idea), I relate to alot of songs. In that respect, alot of songs remind me of a time and or person. On that fateful day in 2002, I sat in front of my computer and compiled a CD of 18 love songs that reminded me of Dick... explained my feelings for him in a way I could not, in a way only the music could... I titled the compilation "Confessions" (and, even though I'm a HUGE fan, it had nada to do with Usher, since his "Confessions" was not released until 2004) because, in a sense, I was confessing to him feelings that I had held inside for close to a year at that point... check the track listing:

Confessions
02/22/2002:
This Is My Heart-- Boyz II Men
Butterflyz- Alicia Keys
I Care 4 U- Aaliyah
Knock Me Off My Feet- Donell Jones
Pouring Like Rain- Chris Bender
Steal Away- Mary J Blige
All I Really Want- R. Kelly
Ready For love- india.arie
Settle For My Love- Musiq
Never Been- Mary J Blige
Joy- Blackstreet
The Sweetest Thing- Lauryn Hill
Think Of You- Case
Tender Love- Force MDs
Sweet Love- 112
I Think That I Should Be- Mista (What ya'll know about that there?)
Just Me And You- Tony Toni Tone

Phew.... typing that made my head spin.... As you can see, I am that quintessential hopeless romantic, but I digress…Keep in mind though, that isn't the only one... it is the 1st in what is now a series of four...

Confessions II (his personal favorite)
05/03/2003

You- Monifah
La La- Lucy Pearl
Tell Me- Groove Theory
I Don’t Wanna- Aaliyah
Show Me- Amerie
Cupid- 112
Say Yes- Floetry
Time Will Reveal- DeBarge
Halfcrazy- Musiq
You- Brian McKnight
My Heart Belongs To You- Jodeci
I Gotta Be- Jagged Edge
Deep- Blackstreet
Complete- Vivian Green
It’s Whatever- Aaliyah (yeah, I know, you see a lot of Aaliyah… I like her!)
Don’t Go- Dreamboy (that’s STRAIGHT old school)
That’s Why I Love You- Boyz II Men
Soon- Christion


I know, I’m bombarding you with music right now… I’m listing all of these songs for a reason…

Confessions III- A Journey Back (compiled 11/05/2003) is a compilation of Old School R&B love songs… stuff that was released in the late 70’s, Early 80’s… I know all the songs, but the titles and even some of the artists’ names escape me, so I’m not going to list the tracks on this one… It’s along the same vane as Confessions II, just with the old school vibe, because I thought that was live. We got some Con Funk Shun on there, some Anita Baker… it’s a really good one though…

Which brings me to the latest installment in the series…

I hadn’t made him a CD since 2003. I guess I wasn’t inspired to do so, even though he and I had never lost contact. The other day, I was sitting in front of said computer, and the inspiration hit me… like I had something to prove to him, like he needed to know that my feelings for him have not changed… but DAMN, I cannot wait for him to get his mind right and make a fucking decision… I’m SO over the back and forth shit… it’s like my grandmother would say “Shit or get off the pot”…. hence our newest addition…

Confessions IV- Revisited
10/15/2006

Love Of My Life- Erykah Badu
I Should Be- Dru Hill
If You Love Me- Mint Condition
Are You Lonely For Me- Rude Boys (Cleveland OH’s own! REPRESENT!)
(Lay Your Head On My) Pillow- Tony Toni Tone
For Real- Amel Larriuex
Slow Dance- R Kelly and Public Announcement
There You Go- Johnny Gill
Rush Over—Me’Shell N’degeocello
I Love You- Keith Wahington and Chante Moore (could it have been said any clearer?)
Diary- Alicia Keys
I Don’t Wanna- Jagged Edge
I’d Die Without You- PM Dawn (yeah, it was a little over the top, but at this point, what do I have to lose?)
Broken Hearted- Brandy and Wanya Morris of Boyz II Men
Heartbroken- Aaliyah (I did say I liked her, right?)
Since I Lost My Baby- Luther Vandross


Now… here’s my explaination…

Whenever I’m feeling all lost and confused or hurt behind the Tale of Dick And Jess, I grab one or all of these CDs, lay in my bed, and put on my headphones… blocking out the rest of existence… because for at least the 80 minutes on the CD I’m listening to, I relive all of those good feelings, all of the fun we’ve had, all of the laughs and tough times we’ve shared… not thinking about all the other shit, like the almost baby momma drama, like his sometime nonchalant attitude about what’s the deal between us two… I think about the fact that I KNOW he loves me…. He’s just too fucking STUBBORN to let go… and I don’t know why I can’t let go of him... because I cannot let go…

No matter what goes on in my life, no matter who I’m with, no matter anything, I still find myself in a position where I’m wanting and waiting for his love… not just love, HIS LOVE…

Maybe I’m a fool.
J.