Idiocy...

So... this past Friday, I drove over 80 miles...again... there and back... to see LeDon.

I probably shouldn't have donee that.

No, I take that back, because I did it for a reason. Well, 2 reasons. My main reason was because Keyshauna had not been to see her father since May, and since I'm the only person with notarized permission to take her, I told her that I would.

My second reason, purely selfish of course, was basically because I miss him. Sure, he's an idiot, sure he's hurt me. That doesn't change the fact that I miss him. And we actually had a conversation about all that has transpired in the last few months. Now, I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words. There's not much "action" he can give while incarcerated, so I guess words will have to do.

I asked about Monique. I mean, this is something that I need to know. What the deal is for real with him and Monique. His response: She has some boyfriend, has completely ignored him for the last 3 or 4 months, and has moved without a forwarding address. He SAYS he could care less what she does, and that he doesn't want to be with her. He SAYS his main focus is yours truly. That when he comes home he's going to make sure he does everything to make me happy, because I make him happy. He says I'm the love he has been looking for his entire life. He says that he had never received love like this and didn't know what to do with it, bt now he understands and wants to cherish and love me to the best of his ability...

Sounds good, right?

I'm skeptical. And I feel like I have every right to be. Of course, he doesn't understand that. He says he wants to make the relationship work. We shall see.. I'm taking it slow, because I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to be the sideline, I want to be the main line...

Which brings me to my next issue...

RBG. Okay, so I've been dealing with this on again, off again bullshit for going on 6 damn years. I know I need to let it go. I KNOW this. He is a confusing creature. I honestly don't know what to do when it comes to him. Like, for real. When I don't talk to him, it feels sort of empty. Probably because we are such good friends. It's when the romanticism comes into play when things get a little shaky... we are so good together, we know each other like the back of our hand... so much so we can finish each other's sentences. EVERYBODY around us thinks that wewould be perfect together.. but it means shit if he can't see it. It means absolutely NADA if he doesn't believe it.

The other night, he told me that having me in his life was a blessing. I told he he didn't mean it. He says "Why wouldn't I?". So I rebutted with "Well, how about you don't mean it like I would want you to." To which he had nothing to say for a few seconds. He then says "We'll talk about it when I see you." Which I know is bullshit, because when I bring up anything remotely close to this particular conversation, he tosses up the infamous brick wall and shuts the fuck down. Like he's afraid of letting his emotions go. How are we supposed to get anywhere if he doesn't fucking communicate? GRRRRRRRRRRR...

I'm beginning to give myself a headache... I'm out...

J.