Welcome To The Land Of Broken Dreams

25. I've been in love for real for real 4 times. 1 cheated, 1 pulled a gun on me, 1 vanished into thin air, 1 continuously breaks my heart every time I see him...

(taken from "101 Things About Me" post)

Today was a bad day. I try not to let things like this bother me, and if they do, I try not to bother anyone else with my issues. But right now, I'm in some serious emotional pain. Has someone ever broken your heart and you feel it... physically? Like your feelings are hurt, and you feel that shit in your stomach, your chest... like somebody punched you and knocked the fucking wind out of you? Yeah, that's me right now.

Let me tell you a story...



We met November 2000. We worked at a restaurant together in Downtown Cleveland called Houlihan's. Maybe you've heard of it. He, a grill cook. Me, a server. We would have our friendly workplace banter back and forth. Talk about music, weather, whatever other impersonal things you can think of. And that was really that. He gave me a nickname that he actually still calls me to this day. It's Smile, because no matter how crazy things got at the job, I always had a smile on my face. I never yelled at the kitchen when they fucked up an order, I always came at them with a smile and a sweet tone. So, he started calling me Smile. And that was our relationship. A cool ass dude I worked with. Period.

About 2 months later, everyone at the workplace went out for drinks. That was something that we always did, actually, but he never came with us. Until this one particular night. Sitting in a booth at this hole in the wall bar across the street from the restaurant is where it began. The conversation became more personal. The phone number exchange. After that, there were 3 to 4 hour phone conversations about everything under the sun at least twice a day. When I came in to work, I was always greeted with a hug. We found that we love most of the same things, the same movies, the same music. We found that we wanted the same things out of life. We found that we are kindred spirits.

I fell in love with this man before we even shared our first kiss. And it scared the shit out of me.

Though my feelings were growing in a speed faster the light, I kept my composure. I didn't want to scare the man. I didn't want to jeapordize the friendship that I value. I would spend the night at his apartment at least 4 times a week and we would do nothing but listen to music, play video games, and talk. We would lay in the same bed and sleep. Wake up and eat breakfast, go to work or whatever. It was just so cool.

And then it happened. April 26, 2001. I think it's crazy I still remember the date. I had just moved back home, and my mother and I had gotten into an argument earlier that day. I was telling him about it and he's like "You are always welcome at my house if you don't want to go home." Which I knew. So, after work, we went with the crew for drinks, and headed for his house. I followed my normal routine: I got a pair of sweats and a tee shirt from him and headed to the shower. He made us some food and we ate, then went to bed. But something was different. He put his arms around me, and kissed the back of my neck. That was the catalyst of our first sexual encounter. The sexual experience that still is the top of my list.

That's when things got complicated. We knew we wanted to be more than friends, but weren't ready to be. So we decided that we would ride the roller coaster as long as it lasts. Which we did. Until someone happened.

Enter Renisha.

She started working at the restaurant in the early spring of 2001. Cute and 18. Since he and I weren't exclusive, I presume he decided to start seeing her. It lasted about 3 months. I don't know much about it, except hearsay. He never really told me about it, and I never really asked. However, that did shake me up a little. That was when I realized that I was actually ready for a relationship with this man. I was ready to toss all inhibitions and doubts out the window and fall blindly into him. That was when I really knew I loved him and it was the real thing. I knew that my life had changed and he was the reason. My heart was his

But when I came at him with it, he was hesitant. Which was expected. And I accepted it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I wanted him in my life. In any way, shape, or form. I think that was my mistake. I accepted his terms instead of negotiating.

So time passes. I've met all of the important people in his life. Grandmother, Mom, kids, his older brother and his wife, younger brother, sister, best friends. He's met my family as well. I'm at every family function, every holiday meal. Pictures of he and I are posted in his Grandmother's house. We do everything together, share good and bad times. But, we are still not a couple. Everyone around us thought we were a couple. And he treated me as such. Everything was wonderful... though we did have our ups and downs, like most people do. That is until Valentine's Day 2004...

Enter Charnissa.

Exactly who she is and how they met is still a mystery. I've been told she's been around longer than I have. I honestly don't know... All I know is he and I had gone with some more of his family to celebrate Valentine's Day in Detroit. The weekend went beautifully, until he made a phone call on my phone... and she called back. That's when things started to fall apart. He and I didn't speak behind that for about 4 months. I wrote him a letter one night, 7 pages of ranting and raving. I was hurting, and I wanted him to know that. After that, I got a letter back. He apologized and all of that. We still didn't speak for about 2 more months. And we were back.

Then the bullshit began. There were secrets and quick phone calls. Days without speaking, and days of not seeing him. And me, being the dumb ass that I am, holding on for dear life. Because by now, I'm so emotionally involved, I can't let go. We had planned a trip to the Poconos, which had fallen through, but we still kicked it. And everything was cool.

I decided to back off as much as I could, because this whole situation had begun to wear on my heart. There were other men I would see, but he's had my heart since 1999. He was persistant though. He kept the calls coming. Since his sister-in-law and I are friends, he enlisted her in some of his schemes so he could get to see me. And I was doing well in my efforts to not be around.

New Years Eve 2004... there was a cabaret party. I was invited by his sister-in-law, and I knew he was going to be there. I went though, and he and I had a beautiful time ringing in the new year together. That night, he explained to me how much he cared about me and how he wants me in his life and all that good shit. He had stopped seeing Charnissa in September and decided that he wanted to try us. I ate it up like my mother's macaroni and cheese. And just when things were starting to look up...

Charnissa's pregnant.

Talk about your blow to the gut. He could barely get the words out. He was stuttering so badly. I didn't know how pregnant she was, and I honestly didn't care. He lied to me. And that was the last straw. Again, I cut off communication. I was pissed. I was heartbroken. But I still loved him, and thought we could get past this. I don't know what I was thinking.

Turns out, she had an abortion. Not that that makes it all better. We talked, got a few things out in the open, so we're talking again. We had planned once again this year to go to the Poconos. This time, he still wanted me to go. So I went. All expenses paid, just the way I like it.

But what was supposed to be a Lover's Retreat was anything but. I found myself asking "What the hell am I doing here?" He and I are as far apart as anyone could be. And I don't know what to do.

Do I let go? Do I stay? I've been here too long, I don't know if I can walk away. I don't want to lose my friend. But I might have already done that.

I love him so much. Confusion clouds my judgement.

Forgive me. I needed to vent. Hope I didn't bore you.

J.