Drowning In Reflection (or-- What the hell is THAT staring at me?)



For going on the last, say, 72 hours, I have been in a deep reflective state. I don't know if the "30" just happens to be kicking in, but I've been doing alot of thinking about my life and what has gone on in it since I entered what is considered to be adulthood. I'm not talking about as soon as I hit 18. I was still a tax deduction for my mother at that point. I'm talking about when I first ventured form the security of the proverbial "nest" and started to become self sufficient. I was 22 years old.

In the 8 years that followed that monumental event, I have been emotionally and verbally abused, suicidal, threatened with violence (including but not limited to fists being raised and guns being pulled and pointed), taken advantage of sexually... pretty much beaten down and broken in just about every way, shape, and form you can think of... and it all stems from choices I made. Stupid, selfish, childish choices.

We've all done it. Think we're grown and no matter what anyone else says, we do what we want to do, and say fuck it. Consequences be damned. My friends saw the signs of extremely low self esteem, but I didn't. I always thought I gave off the air of confidence, almost conceit. To me, being the biggest flirt I could be, getting as many men I could to pay attention to me (no matter what kind of attention) was what I needed to feel alive. To feel worthy. I thought the ability to bury all of the pain and torment I felt from a marriage that failed, "boyfriends" that belittled me and used me, and the burning feeling of inadequecy was a special talent I possessed. Not knowing that by not dealing with those things, letting it build and build, it would eventually come back and bite me in the ass. I thought that since I kept a journal and wrote poetry that was enough of an outlet for me. I never thought I would be in the position I found myself in one night about 4 months ago.

I have no idea why I feel comfortable enough typing this into cyberspace. I haven't even told this to my best friend.

There's an entry I wrote in May about a young man who I'll call Dick. I chronicled a 5 year period when I was basically the dumbest bitch on the planet. I gave and gave and gave to this man everything I thought he wanted... without giving any thought to what I wanted, or needed for that matter. What I thought I wanted was for him to love me. What I got was taken advantage of, lied to, used, and degraded. The sad part about that was I knew it. I knew that he didn't love me. I knew that he never would. Instead of letting it go, I decided to "tough" it out, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he would come around and see what a wonderful person I was and would fall hopelessly in love with me.

Problem with that theory is I was not this wonderful person. I was this needy, self loathing glutton for punishment. Even though I claimed to have been in love with this man, there of course, were others. They gave me the affirmation and attention I needed so desperately. They told me I was beautiful long enough to get in my pants and then vanish. They'd show up periodically, and I would let them all back in my good graces (read: between my legs), because I thought that was a genuine sign of love. I mean, they did love me right? Why else would they keep coming back? I was too blind to see that all I was to these men was a hole to stick a dick in every now and again when all other plans fall flat. I was the last minute booty-call bitch on the way home from the bar at 3 AM.

Was I really that bad?

Damn.

Somehow all of this came to light this one night...

I was sitting in my bedroom one night. Me, my journal, a bottle of Gold 1800, and my Discman. In my headphones was a song called "Doctor Doctor" by DJ Uneek featuring a singer named Gemini. It was one of those "I'm sad, I'm lonely." nights that happen to all of us at times... you feel sorry for yourself, you shake it off, and then you move on... but this night, I couldn't shake it. I was dealing with the pain I locked away when Dick told me that he and another woman were having a baby. Then dealing with his mixed signals when we went on this trip to the Poconos that I should never have gone on... Dealing still with my granny passing away. Dealing with friends that betrayed me. All going through my head was everybody uses me. My job, my friends, men. All I was to everyone on this planet was an opportunity. Not a person. A come up of some kind. And I let it all happen. I allowed all of this to happen. I chose to let everyone who abused me in whatever way into my life. And I chose to keep them there.

Something's got to give.

Tears began to roll down my face non stop. I get up from my seat on the bed and go to my dresser to grab tissue... and my reflection in the mirror caught me and I couldn't move... now, this is gonna sound real crazy.. and maybe it was the tequila... but my reflection was not of my face... it was of the twisted, miserable, shell I had created over all of these years... an eveil demon... it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life, but I couldn't look away... how did I let it get this bad? How did I let this happen? What happened to ME?

I hated what I saw. I stood there knowing that this must be what everyone sees when they look at me. I'm not the cute girl I always thought I was. I was this ugly, distorted, whatever the hell this is staring back at me... and I didn't want to be that anymore.

That night I realized that I needed to make some changes. BIG changes. I'm still in the process of making those changes. Just that for some reason, the last few days, this shit has been haunting me. I mean, I am involved with a beautiful man who loves me. I love him back too. And this is totally different form any of the other romantic encounter I've had. My life is going better. My family is getting closer. Things are good. It just feels like my past is going to bite me in my ass and fuck up the good shit I see when I look in the mirror.

Things are looking up. I don't see the full reflection of me yet, but I don't see that demon. I just hope things continue to get better.

Maybe I need some therepy. I think I'm going to look into that.