Mary J. Blige - Be Happy

Just cause I'm in a mood and I don't know what to do with myself.... all I really want is to be happy... find a love that's mine... it would be so sweet.....

Rant

So I'm still not in the sanest (sp?) of moods right now... so this still might be random as hell. I'm still off my meds, off my rocker, and probably on a one way trip to St Vincent Charity Hospital psychiatric ward. But at this point, I don't even care. I just found out that the job that I've had for the last 2 1/2 months may not be mine anymore because, of no fault of my own, there is NOTHING FOR ME TO FUCKING DO. Not my fault that the girl I work with hoards all the damn work and I sit here, twiddling my thumbs, on Yahoo Messenger and fucking Myspace. I want to work, since I'm here and everything. I would much rather be sitting at home collecting my SSI Disibility, just so I don't have to deal with people. I can close my bedroom door, put on my headphones and block out the ENTIRE world. Sounds wonderful. I don't have to worry about mu'fuckas blaming me for shit. I don't have to worry about people getting on my nerves. I don't have to worry about anyone or anything cause I'll be in my own lil fucking world. I can let in only the people I feel like being bothered with.

Okay, so I have this boyfriend. We'll call him "E". E is 25, and he and I have been in a relationship for 3 weeks now I believe. I mean, I like him a whole lot. I care for him deeply. We have 99.9999% of things in common, our birthdays are 3 days apart (His, August 2nd, Mine August 5th). Now they say 2 Leos have a hard time being in a relationship together, but so far so good.... I know one thing. The sex is PHENOMINAL. And I'm not just saying that. He's a little guy (as in stature) but what he doesn't have in height he makes up for... TRUST me. I mean, he's still taller than me, but how hard is it to be taller than me?

I've been dealing with my brother's dumb ass girlfriend for the last month. Apparently, she doesn't like me anymore. Not that I really give a fuck, but she's been doing and saying some of the most ignorant shit known to man. And what she fails to realize is I am a Certified Bipolar, with paperwork and everyting, and if I flip out on her dumb ass, all that will happen is I get a little vacation in a hopital and the speed up my SSI. She got one more mu'fuckin time to say some ole dumbshit and I swear I'ma knock her fuckin block off. ONE MORE TIME.

So, remember Yoson? Two entries ago... go back and reread if need be. How about my girl tells me he showed up at her house like a week ago, telling her that he was in love with me but didin't know how to express it. Now, in my last entry about him, I was telling ya'll how I wanted to show him how much I cared, right. I tred. You know what he did? DOG THE FUCK OUTTA ME. Wanna know why? Cause he goin through some shit wit his BM. Is that my fault? NO. I try to express some feelings to him, he walked away from me. Literally. Like did an about face and walked down the fucking street. I was beyond crushed. I just put my whole shit out there. Like "Here you go nigga, my heart, right here. Do what you will." Now, after all that talk about "All I wanted to do was love you and take care of you". I guess that's all it was... TALK. NOISE. Something to just SAY cause it fucking sounded good. Now, here he go, telling my GIRL how he feel about me. When all he had to do was FUCKING TELL ME. But of course he didn't do that, and things got strange, and I haven't seen him. Now, I'm in a relationship, and he ain't got shit comin. Flat the fuck out. Cause how do I know he won't do the same dumb ass shit all over again.

I'm done.
J.

I must warn anyone who still reads my blog now that this post may be more random than anything I have ever written before in my life. I'm in a mood right now and I honestly don't know what to do...

As you might recall I suffer from Bipolor Disorder. So I guess this may be what you would call a manic Episode. I can't sit still, my thoughts are all over the place... my hands and legs are shaking like dice in a craps game. I'm afraid to call my doctor for two reasons... first reason, I stopped taking my medication in May. Not slowed down, or reduced the dose. STOPPED. Cold damn turkey. Second reason is cause I stopped my medicine and I'm feeling like I'm about to fly out of control, I do believe that my doctor will hospitalize me. 72-Hour Hold style. I can't afford that shit, I got a job, yo...

But I'm sitting here at my desk, supposed to be working and I can't fucking concentrate on anything. I know I needed to get this out of my head right now and I can't stop typing... I'm seriously fucked up. I tried calling my sister... no dice she ain't answering her phone. I tried IM-ing my boo boo... no dice, he's not online... I can't very well talk to the people I work with, cause they will call an ambulance and then we're back to 72-Hour-Hold scenario...

Maybe I do need a rest in a hospital. I don't know what's going on with me. I've been feeling fucked up for like 2 and a half weeks now... I've been angry to the point where I'm kicking shit, punching shit, throwing shit... I haven't been eating, sleeping... I've been fucking everything moving... well not EVERYTHING, but I did do some very unsafe things in the last 2 weeks... like I just met my boo boo 2 weeks ago. The first time he came to my house, he didn't leave for 4 days. He's only not been at my house 2 days in the last 2 weeks. Now don't get me wrong, we get along famously and we have 99.99999% of things in common. We know just about everything there is to know about each other (up talking all night cause the Manic bitch can't sleep)... he knows I'm Bipolar too...

Okay, I'm gonna go now... I cna't take this anymore....

5 Songs That Describe My Mood-- The "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" Edition

Alright... I know what you're thinking... I should NOT be thinking about some random dude after what I just recently went though with Abuser, but here's the story...

His name is Yoson. He's 30, dark skin, about 6ft even, dark eyes, beautiful smile.... and this demeanor about him that just SCREAMS sexy. Confident. No nonsense. Just what I like, right? RIGHT!

I met him in March 06. He came over my girls house, I was on the phone with LeDon standing on her front porch... I hear a voice from behind me like "Damn, D, who is that?" I turn around and see this man standing in her living room, and I almost dropped the phone... Brand new all white NY Yankees fitted over a fresh fade, a baby blue/orange/white striped Polo shirt, crisp blue jeans, Jordans to match the shirt EXACTLY, and a Jordan jacket that matched the shoes.... OH MY GOODNESS... instant attraction. I stopped paying attention to what LeDon was saying, staring at this man here.

Yoson and I got together on some on again, off again type stuff. It was cool for the moment, but eventually, we both started catching some feelings. Things were complicated though. We both were in relationships. LeDon, incarcerated. His girlfriend, pregnant. I know what your thinking "He fucking around with you and he got a pregnant girlfriend?" Yeah, he was. And I knew it. I couldn't help it. He's so cool and so sweet and funny and all that stuff I swear that I'm looking for. Everybody we knew was telling me the relationship between him and his baby momma was rocky at best... but he was still with her and it was my duty to get him away from her....

My heart was in it, but my brain couldn't really handle it.

Last November, right after his birthday, we were at my house. He cooked dinner, we were watching movies and just enjoying each other's company. We had the deepest conversation ever. He really wanted to be with your girl here.... but I was slowly losing my mind at the time, and I didn't want to bring him into this web of Crazy I had woven so meticulously. We had the most beautifully intimate and intense sexual experience that night... cause he was what I wanted, but I was in no position mentally to deal with that...

I started pushing him away... not because I didn't have feelings for him... but because I did and I just could not deal with them at the time... I had been dealing with this dude and that one... still dealing with Dick and his bullshit... and eventually, he got tired of me pushing him away... SO he walked away... and 2 1/2 months later, I got with Abuser and everything went down hill...

Of course, Yoson and I still would see each other periodically, but we were never as close... and when he found out about all that happened with me, he was so angry with me, with the situation... he's all like "I would never have done that shit to you. I wanted to love you and take care of you." And I was so suprised... because I never thought he felt that strongly about me. Never in a million years did I think it was that serious. Last night, we talked. We got a few things out in the open. We let each other in on some things... and it looks like he and I may be beginning a new romance...

There's more to the story, but I honestly done't feel like typing all the details right now... instead, I bring to you for your listening pleasure 5 Songs That Describe My Mood-- The "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" Edition... enjoy...

1. Giving Him Something He Can Feel- EnVogue-- Come on, you should have KNOWN this was gonna be on the list... I guess since I did all the pushing in the beginning I need to prove that I'm really on some trying to make it happen stuff...

2. Do You Want To- Xscape-- On the same vane as the previous song, I want to know if he still feels as strongly as he used to... cause I do... if not more.

3. Always On My Mind- SWV -- you can ask ANYONE I know, I'm constantly talking about him, always dreaming of him (even when me and Abuser were together)... I guess even though my brain was fucking mush (still is, thanks to psychiatric medications), my heart was still intact...

4. Angel- Anita Baker I love this song, because it just explains how I feel so much... she says in one line "I won't be satisfied with just a piece of his heart" and that, my readers, is the truth. I gotta have all or nada...

5. If You Leave- Destiny's Child Featuring Next This song is how I felt at the beginning of our fling... if he left his girl, I would've left LeDon... but neither one of us was willing to leave the comfort zone... maybe we should have...

And there you have it folks... Toodles!
J.

BONUS TRACK BONUS TRACK BONUS TRACK



Never Should've Let You Go-- Hi Five (RIP Tony, you will be missed)

Here are the words... tell me if you feel me:

~~~verse 1~~~
Girl when I first met you, I didnt realize
You were looking to stay around but, I was looking to play around
Now I cant forget you, cant forget your pretty smile
Took for granted the love you gave and only thought of the love we made
Just when I found someone who could love me like the way that I need
I acted the fool and pushed her away from me

~~~Chorus~~~
And I'll be thinking 'bout you
Everynight and everyday
Cause in my heart I know (I know)
That I never should've let you go
And my love for you is stronger than I ever knew
But I couldn't tell you so
That I never should've let you go

~~~verse 2~~~
Do you think about me like I wasnt worth your time
I would give anything I have, if you'd give me another chance
Do you think you're better off without me playing games with you're heart in mind, oh yeah,
I dont blame u 4 leaving me but now you've got to believe in me
If you come back girl I promise that you'll see a change in my ways
I'll get down on my knee, I'll do anything you say

~~~Chorus~~~
And I'll be thinking 'bout you
Everynight and everyday (everyday)
Cause in my heart I know (I will know)
That I never should've let you go (ooh my love)
And my love for you is stronger than I ever knew
But I couldnt tell you so (oh oh oh)
That I never should've let you go

~~~Bridge~~
Is there someone else, (yeah, yeah)
Standing where I stood (ooh yeah)
Giving you the love (ooh yeah)
You never got from me
Girl I would give you the world
If I only could
Girl you will see
Will you come back to me
Would you come back to me

~~~Chorus~~~
And I'll be thinking 'bout you
Everynight and everyday
Cause in my heart I know (I know)
That I never should've let you go (oh yeah)
And my love for you is stronger than I (stronger than I) ever knew (ever knew)
But I couldnt tell you so (tell you so)
That I never should've let you go (oh yeah)

~~~Chorus~~~
And I'll be thinking bout you
Everynight and everyday (everynight and everyday)
Cause in my heart I know (I never)
That I never should've let you go (yeah yeah)
And my love for you is stronger than I (stronger than I, stronger than I) ever knew
But I couldnt tell you so (tell you so)
No I never should've let
Whoa I never should've let
No I never should've let you go....

And that's all I have to say about that....

J

For Some Reason....



You know... I've been on some straight other shit the past few months.... Since November, I have had 3 jobs (long story), got a boyfriend... got punched in the chest by said boyfriend.... and left said boyfriend... diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II and given 1650 mg of medication that I have to take on a daily.... my car got repo'd... I'm just like "WHAT THE FUCK?"

I know... that was alot to drop in one simple paragraph... so let's start at the beginning...

In November, I was fired from my job. Racist people, but I digress... I got another job in December in Strongsville... but they didn't want to give me 40 hours, and driving all the way to Strongsville for 20 to 25 hours just wasn't gonna get it... the paycheck was only paying for gas. So I quit. In January, I got a job at this collection agency. Yeah, I was one of those annoying people calling to collect money for someone else. First-party collections, okay, I might be able to do that. Third party? Nah, wasn't really my cup of tea. But, it was 5 minutes from my house, and it was 40 hours... I wasn't agressive enough and didn't collect enough, so I got fired. Whatever. I didn't get another job until a week ago... it's pretty cool, more my forte.

Okay... the whole Bipolar thing... I started seeing a psychotherepist in January, because quit frankly, I thought I was going to lose my fucking mind. I couldn't sleep, was never eating... didn't answer my phones... unless of course it was some random man calling coming over to give me some... which was the only thing that made me feel like I was worth something at the time... every one I know was like "You need to talk to somebody" and I knew that was true, but I was on a downward spiral of self-destruction and I couldn't stop it... I called this number at University Hospital for this study... and the lady almost hositalized me... they say Bipolar Disorder is hereditary... I don't know... I take way too much medicine for my taste, but they say it will help, so I guess it will... all the shit does is make me sleepy.

Now, the boyfriend. His name, LaShon. He lives down the street from me. I met him on Superbowl Sunday through my best friend's cousin. He's been a friend of the family for a while I guess, I never met his ass though. Sweet enough, older (he's 40), and has a real job (he's a paramedic). No more of the street thugs I was dealing with... things were cool for a minute... then the verbal abuse began... I was stupid and crazy and all that other stuff because I was on medication... I was weak minded and a nobody and blah blah blah... now, I've never been stupid, but I was already on some bullshit because I had just been diagnosed and I was already wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn't be normal... and for somebody I had grown to care alot about to downgrade me like that was heartbreaking... but I dealt with it... then about a week ago, we get into this big ass argument, and he halls off and punches me square in my fucking chest... POW!!!... a sane person would have just left, right? No, not the Bipolar bitch... pure reflex had me all in this negro's face... he pushed me, i pushed him back... he punched me in my chest again.... I slapped the shit out of him... and then thought about it... before this can get any uglier than it already is, let me grab whatever belongs to me and get the fuck out of this man's house... so I did... and every thug I know is ready to whoop his ass... ALL of them... and I know alot of them too... I told them to wait... not now... cause then he'll know it has to do with me... I've filed a restraining order... he can't even walk past my house to the store cause he can't come within 500 feet of me, my house, or my job.

And yeah, my car got repo'd last week too... hey, I was behind 3 months, what can you do? I'll be on the road again soon... the note was too fuckin high anyway...

I just really needed to vent, I'm done... holla at a playa... lol

J.

It's Been A Long Time...

I know, I know... I haven't been herre in a month of sundays... but I digress...

I've been good, just chillin and what not. Finally left no good negros in the dust for once in my life. But that's another post...

I'd love to sit here and let you all know what's really good, but I really have to run... i just wanted to let ya'll know I was still breathing out here.

Love!
J

Well, what do you know about that?
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Idiocy...

So... this past Friday, I drove over 80 miles...again... there and back... to see LeDon.

I probably shouldn't have donee that.

No, I take that back, because I did it for a reason. Well, 2 reasons. My main reason was because Keyshauna had not been to see her father since May, and since I'm the only person with notarized permission to take her, I told her that I would.

My second reason, purely selfish of course, was basically because I miss him. Sure, he's an idiot, sure he's hurt me. That doesn't change the fact that I miss him. And we actually had a conversation about all that has transpired in the last few months. Now, I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words. There's not much "action" he can give while incarcerated, so I guess words will have to do.

I asked about Monique. I mean, this is something that I need to know. What the deal is for real with him and Monique. His response: She has some boyfriend, has completely ignored him for the last 3 or 4 months, and has moved without a forwarding address. He SAYS he could care less what she does, and that he doesn't want to be with her. He SAYS his main focus is yours truly. That when he comes home he's going to make sure he does everything to make me happy, because I make him happy. He says I'm the love he has been looking for his entire life. He says that he had never received love like this and didn't know what to do with it, bt now he understands and wants to cherish and love me to the best of his ability...

Sounds good, right?

I'm skeptical. And I feel like I have every right to be. Of course, he doesn't understand that. He says he wants to make the relationship work. We shall see.. I'm taking it slow, because I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to be the sideline, I want to be the main line...

Which brings me to my next issue...

RBG. Okay, so I've been dealing with this on again, off again bullshit for going on 6 damn years. I know I need to let it go. I KNOW this. He is a confusing creature. I honestly don't know what to do when it comes to him. Like, for real. When I don't talk to him, it feels sort of empty. Probably because we are such good friends. It's when the romanticism comes into play when things get a little shaky... we are so good together, we know each other like the back of our hand... so much so we can finish each other's sentences. EVERYBODY around us thinks that wewould be perfect together.. but it means shit if he can't see it. It means absolutely NADA if he doesn't believe it.

The other night, he told me that having me in his life was a blessing. I told he he didn't mean it. He says "Why wouldn't I?". So I rebutted with "Well, how about you don't mean it like I would want you to." To which he had nothing to say for a few seconds. He then says "We'll talk about it when I see you." Which I know is bullshit, because when I bring up anything remotely close to this particular conversation, he tosses up the infamous brick wall and shuts the fuck down. Like he's afraid of letting his emotions go. How are we supposed to get anywhere if he doesn't fucking communicate? GRRRRRRRRRRR...

I'm beginning to give myself a headache... I'm out...

J.