I just want to let every one of my readers (which is about 6 people, maybe) a Happy Happy New Year. 2006 is upon us folk... let's make it do what it do!!!

My Resolutions For 2006

1. Stop Smoking-- Newports have been my crutch for going on 6 years... I think I may need to quit that shit now... not that the Albuterol inhaler I carry in my purse has anything to do with it...

2. Actually use the Pilates Workout Kit I purchased in April with the mat and 20-minute workout DVD -- I mean, when I used it when I first bought it, it actually worked... a nig got lazy...

3. Try to steer myself clear of destructive behavior and abusive people-- I said TRY, okay? That's all I can do at this point. TRY TRY TRY.

4. Try not to let my feelings cloud my judgement-- If you've read the last few entries on the blog you know what I'm talking about... I really care for the boy, but I'm trying to be careful. Me being the emotional extreme person that I am, this is going to be the hardest resolution yet... not to meantion Dick has started to resurface... who'da thunk it?

5. Get to know my father better-- My father went to prison when I was 2 years old. He was released in July of this year. I know him now... but no where near how well I know my mother. I want to get there before it's too late...

Those are my resolutions... what about you?

Happy 2006 folks!
J

5 Songs That Describe My Mood-- The "Is This Love?" Edition

So, I've told you all the story of this young man... and for some reason I'm really all into him. I mean, I'm into him like I was into Dick... and that's really saying something. I've driven to Conneaut to see him twice. Communicate with his mother and sisters on a regular basis... even gotten to the point where I'm accepting collect calls... what the fuck have I gotten myself into?

I find myself thinking about LeDon ALL the time... I've had some of the most erotic dreams of my life with him as my co-star... we ask each other all the time... "What's going on? Why are we feeling each other like this?" I don't know what it could be...

My mother is all on this "Don't believe anything that someone in prison tells you. Just because they say they love you and all that doesn't mean that they mean it." And I know that's true... however, my argument was this... A man could be standing in your face and tell you they love you and not mean it. They can feed you all the lies and the bullshit while laying in your bed and it means nothing... so I figure listening to LeDon is no different than listening to Dick... but this feels different... maybe I'm losing it...

Since the very first letter arrived from LeDon on November 9th, I have a total of 15 letters to the date of this post.... and we talk in them... I mean, letters are 5-7 pages long each time... we've shared our hopes, dreams, fears... what we want out of relationships and all that... we've discussed all he has to do to get released earlier... when he calls me, all his little dorm mates are talking to me like "This nigga love you, what you do to him?"... I'm falling hard... and I need to slow it down... but I can't... I really can't...

So, I bring to you for your listening pleasure 5 Songs That Describe My Mood-- The "Is This Love?" Edition... enjoy...

1. Whispers-- Usher-- This song kind of reminds me of us when we were younger... he told me recently that he couldn't really articulate how he felt about me back in the day.. because he was so young, he thought I wouldn't take him seriously... but told me that if his heart could have told me what it was feeling, we would never have been apart... there's one line in this song that that brings that statement to light... "If my hear could speak you'd know/ That I love you so/ And I'll never let you go"...

2. U Shoulda Known Betta-- Monica-- Okay, so maybe the only reason this song is on the list is because she's singing about being in love with a dude behind bars... and it kinda resonates with me, because I kinda am "Holding us down on my own" while he's away... I'm trying to encourage him to do the things he needs to do, because his sentence isn't mandatory... and he can get out in as little as 9 months if he does what he's supposed to do... and I'm trying to be his backbone... I think that may be why we are so into each other... I haven't abandoned him...

3. Find Your Way (Back In My Life)-- Kem-- LeDon and I hadn't been in any type of romantic relationship since we were teenagers... so how did we find our way back to each other? And why under these circumstances? I'm a firm believer in "Everything happens for a reason"... I just really wish I knew what the reason was...

4. Nowhere-- 112-- I was listening to this song the other day, and I swear I had a vision that he and I were going to be dancing to this song at our wedding... where that came from, I don't know... but I saw it... kinda spooky...

5. Killing Time-- Destiny's Child-- I'm just gonna give you a few lines and then I'll leave it alone... "Sitting on the stairway/ Hoping that you're okay/ Waiting patiently/ For you to come back to me/ I don't mind the waiting/ As long as there's still maybe/The possibility/ For you to be true to me"...

Maybe I'm really tripping... but this is what I feel right now... hope you enjoy the selections...

J

Visiting Day

So yesterday, I drove a little over an hour to a little town in Ohio called Conneaut. It was a non eventful drive... it was just me, a Strawberry Kiwi Tropicana Twister, a pack of Newports, and my music... floating down 90 East... nervous as hell...

Why, you ask? If you read my last entry, you know I was driving on my way to pay a visit to a certain young man named LeDon who is unfortunately incarcerated... it's crazy, I was really tripping too... I haven't seen this man in over a year... and here I am, driving my happy ass to a medium security prison to visit him... What the fuck am I doing? But I really wanted to see him... and he really wanted to see me... at least that's what he said...

So, I get there and park my car... now, I've visited prisons before, and it never ceases to amaze me that they always look like a camp to me, sort of like a resort... or maybe it's just the ones I've been to... I have a million and one forms to fill out when I get inside, since it's my first visit... gotta do an initial interview with the Visitation Supervisor, get the run down on how shit works and blah blah blah... vending machines take some kind of debit card that you have to buy for $1 and add value to it in the machine... if you want to take pictures, you have to buy tickets for $1 each, and each picture is 3 tickets... oh, it was a HAM, I tell you... I was confused as hell, and I'm not a stupid girl...

But it was all worth it when I saw his face...


When he walked into the visiting room and saw me, I literally saw his face light up... he's got the most beautiful smile... told you, I got a thing for dimples... he gave me the most wonderful hug... he picked me up when he did it... I swear I wanted to melt into a puddle of happy right there. We sat and talked for 4 hours... though it felt like 10 minutes... we talked about how he's spending his time, what he's doing to earn credits for early release (I never told you his sentence did I? He's got a stated term of 6 years, but is eligible for early release with earned credits). He told me I was beautiful at least 8 times in the first 20 minutes of the visit... We talked about old stuff, people from the hood, who I've seen, who's locked up, who got a baby by who... we laughed, I was telling him stories about these dumb ass bamas I fuck with, he telling me about these chickens he fucked with that swore up and down when he got locked up they'd do blah blah blah and he hasn't heard from them in months... and he hasn't even been in prison a whole year yet... and he got 5 more to go...

Not to meantion the boy looked good enough to eat... skin smooth... fresh haircut... body just DAMN... he... Lawd... I can't even talk right now... I wish I could descibe it to you... this right here is something you just have to see for yourself...

I swear... I'm all in... it's crazy... we talked about all kinds of things... the conversation always lead back to us... he wants to know if I'm going to stick by him while he's locked up...


I think I will... I don't know why I feel like I should, but I do... it just feels right... maybe I'm trippin... but I don't think I am... I really think that he and I could make something work, even with the time he's got...

I think we make a pretty decent looking couple too... a friend of mine told me we'd have some pretty kids... I thought that was funny...

When I was getting ready to leave, he grabbed me in a tight ass hug again and laid this kiss on me that made my fucking toes curl... SHIT... I thought we were going to get in trouble... I didn't know we could do all that... he had a grip on the back of my sweater and held me so tight I was thought I was about to go through him... I grabbed the back of his head and got all into the kiss... it was so sweet and... aw man... what the hell have I gotten myself into?